These aren't real questions: we made them up to get the poop out to you as painlessly as possible.

Why do you charge so much for Oneupmanship?

Because capitalism is a beautiful thing. And fifty bucks for a lifetime of fun is a wicked bargain.

What is your privacy policy?

We won't rent, sell, or compromise the integrity of your credit card or contact information. Ever. For any reason.

Why don't you ship internationally?

When we first started out we were hoping Oneupmanship would conquer the world, but our dream was defeated by the slow, inexorable, thorough, unflinching, inhuman machinery of foreign officialdumb. No kidding — after innumerable headaches, delays, laughs (ha!) and lots of useless and time-consuming paperwork, we decided to stay in our own backyard so-to-speak.

UPDATE: Due to overwhelming demand (and a few not-so-veiled threats), we've decided to ship U.S. Mail to Canada, Europe, Australia, and New Zealand for an additional $20.

How do I return Oneupmanship?

Just send it back to...

Oneupmanship Returns

202 (bis) Georgetown Road

Weston, CT 06883

...with no questions asked, except "What the heck?"

Your 'money-back guarantee' says that if I'm not completely enthralled and hooked on Oneupmanship, I can send it back and get a free game of Monopoly. Are you joking about that?

Monopoly is not a joke. Then again, yes it is.