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INTRODUCING

1% and Proud.

My buddy J.P. and I were talking about the callow, clueless "Occupy Wall Street" weenies with a liberal acquaintance from New York at a cocktail party the other night, when the noodge blurted out something like "Don't you understand that money is bad?" We burst out laughing. "Money is bad?" Ha! You have no idea how good it is. No. Idea.


The whole scene reminded me of the movie Manhattan and Woody Allen's exasperated riposte to this pretty young woman who mentions, without irony, that she finally had an orgasm, but her psychiatrist says it was the wrong kind. Allen, eyebrows arched, says, deadpan, and I'm quoting from memory: "You had the wrong kind of orgasm? Really? My worst one was right on the money."

Mine too, Woody, mine too. I hate it when people bitch, whinge, and whine without having the faintest idea what they're complaining about. They're moaning about America only because they lack the key ingredient necessary to make a valid judgement: perspective. Here's an inconvenient truth, kids: socialism doesn't work. But it's easy to talk, innit? Doesn't cost anything either. And the amount of actual action you don't have to take or thinking you don't have to do is a beautiful thing! Seriously, have you wasted your life playing childish games?

We believe that capitalism, despite its numerous flaws, is still the best system ever invented to unleash human potential and bring the greatest good to the greatest number. Don't just take our word for it — read a few pages of de Tocqueville, or listen to Bono* if you don't believe us. Any Cuban on any street corner in Havana will sadly agree, too. Ha!

Our goal at ONEUPMANSHIP is to man up everyone around here up a bit. While splitting infinitives, and preaching the joys of making money — because we know that free markets, unlike free love, music, art, or good intentions, really can change the world. For the better, of course. And that's exactly what we plan on doing — one tongue-in-cheek, Darwinian, money-making game at a time.

So, we invite you to come test your wits against ours: Buy low, sell high. Visit Vegas and bet big. And win big. Fight a Thumb War. Knuckles? Bloody hell! Knock out 25 pushups. Boom, boom, boom. Fork over fees and pay fines. Go bankrupt. My buildings are taller. Lose your shorts, literally. Snatch trophies up. Liar's Poker anyone?

If you're already sold, then go ahead and buy ONEUPMANSHIP now.

*Rock star preaches capitalism at Georgetown University: "Commerce (and) entrepreneurial capitalism take more people out of poverty than aid."

Right on the money.

Ideas are 90% Execution.

This is the innocent-seeming text J.P. sent to me the day after the party that set the wheels in motion:

I thought, this is the perfect way to stick it to all the politically-correct pansies out there. My contribution to society, which up to now has been minimal, is going to be a sly, spicy, heterodoxical, real-world board game that'll be the perfect antidote to the namby-pamby mush that passes for entertainment these days — ONEUPMANSHIP, like life should, takes focus, gumption, compunction, drive, verve and vision to win. A sense of style, and a sense of humor, too. Of course good looks don't hurt either. And winning is the name of the game, isn't it?

I know, I know. Looking, and mostly behaving like Keith Richards, on a really good day, and being an "artist" (read: lazy and dissolute) at heart, I'm probably the last person in the world who should be making anything other than lame excuses, but hey.

What's in a name?

oneupmanship (WUN up man ship) — (noun) Informal. The art or science of outdoing or showing up a rival or competitor, as in exploits, privileges, or honors — without actually cheating.

Hey, Wiseasses, join the party.

Don't you want to be the first to find out what's happening, be part of the money crowd, get special treatment, have the most fun? Of course you do. Player.

We're an underground operation, sort of.

And we're planning on staying there, figuratively speaking of course. As an independent design studio (recalcitrant, even), we have less-than-zero desire to become part of corporate America, or to be sell outs, or to lower our admittedly low standards any more than they already are. But, if Hollywood calls...

Seriously, we believe that no one should have a monopoly on fun, and we're going to do our best to make ONEUPMANSHIP the new board-game gold standard, the giant slayer, the literal game-changer.

Who's Johnny Mustard?

My folks bought a house in 1964 from the Cruikshanks, an old couple who left their dog Mustard with us since they were moving to a condo and couldn't take him. Because my middle name is John, my porn name is Johnny Mustard, according to the old-school rules.

Johnny, Mustard and Bros.

I always thought it had a nice ring to it, and decided to use it as a pseudonym if I ever needed one. Which is kind of ironic because I headlined under my real name when I was actually making skin flicks back in the late '80s. Y'up!

Who's "The Saint"?

Simon Templar. Just kidding — J.P. (see big picture) is the financial muscle behind the whole operation. Ha!

Where we're at:

Oneupmanship Worldwide
202 (bis)* Georgetown Road
Weston, Connetiquette 06883
41° 20' 08" N, 73° 38' 11" W

johnnymustard@oneupmanship.com

We'd love to hear from you — drop us a line, give us a call, or just pop by anytime you're in the neighborhood. Door's always open.

*Because the Oneupmanship "shack" is out back, behind the woodshed so-to-speak.

ONEUPMANSHIP is proudly designed and assembled in the U.S.A.